i’ve been in this funk lately.

i lost something of great value. 

it’s gone and it’s gone for good.

part of the sadness is for the things we can never un-know.

the things inside of us that change when we witness an event or a series of events that you can’t convince yourself didn’t happen. 

when you can’t un-know something.

when you can’t convince yourself it didn’t happen.

when there’s nothing left to do but accept that reality has happened and  it’s just the way that it is...

then what? 

life moves on, of course.

and at an incredible pace. 

but it doesn’t matter.

that loss, that reminder of what used to be there that isn’t anymore, remains.

i’m not the move forward and never look back kind of girl.

i look back a lot.

i go over details in my head.

i turn them over.

i try to see my part.

but it doesn’t matter.

reality has already happened.

and, as clumsy as we can be in times of un-rest, most of the time we’d chose some version of the same behavior again.

and so, after the reflection, the loss remains.

and something inside of you has changed.

you’re not fully the same person anymore.

the anger never lasts.

the sadness creeps back in.

and, although you know you will be fine,

you’ll live and be happy again,

you know you won’t be who you were 

because that piece is gone.

sometimes for the worse.

sometimes for the better.

but it is gone. 

and that is the sad thing.